I Want to Buy That

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

Medical Aid

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.

During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
"Oh my GOODNESS!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOODNESS! How can THAT be justified?

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better medical aid."

Comics

Superman was feeling bored after a long day of crime fighting and wanted
to go out and party, so he called Batman to ask if he wanted to go to a club and pick up some girls. Batman said Robin was ill and he had to look after him.

A little disappointed, Superman called Spiderman to see if he fancied a
few beers. Spiderman told him he had a date with Catwoman.

As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonderwoman's apartment to see
if she was free. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonderwoman naked
on the bed with her legs open. Superman thought to himself: "I'm faster
than a speeding bullet.

I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what was
happening". So Superman did his Super Thing in a split-second and flew
off happily. Meanwhile on the bed, Wonderwoman said: "Did you hear
something? "

No" said the InvisibleMan, "but my ass hurts like hell!!"

Dirty Jokes

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the old man cut a fart and says “seven points.”

His wife rolls over and asks, “What in the world was that?”

The old man says, “Touchdown, I’m ahead 7 to nothing.”

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, “Touchdown, tie, score.”

After about ten minutes later he old man shits his pants and says, Touchdown game set match

Dont Mess With A Princess

Dumb & Dumber

Sherlock Holmes

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Holmes said Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that The lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, Some ------- has stolen our tent."

Not everything is FLAT in florida

What Every MAN Wnats

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A Happy Marriage

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay , Jamaica . Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. People would say, "What a peaceful & loving couple" The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. The Husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America ," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona , and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once." "We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again. Again my wife quietly said, "That's twice." We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time my wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead. I SHOUTED at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that, are you *+%$**£" crazy!?" She looked at ME, and quietly said, "That's once." And from that moment..... " we have lived happily every after."